my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You pole danced in your parka.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
