Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
