You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
