i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
