Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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