when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
