Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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