you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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