If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
