Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
