I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
