I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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