You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
