he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
