found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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