Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
