I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
