I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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