he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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