I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
