I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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