Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
