my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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