Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
