i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
