I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
smell my finger.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Randomize
