I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
