I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
