I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
