I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
