Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
