I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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