he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
