i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
