I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I fill condoms, not promises.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
