Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
