I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
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we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
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My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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