Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
