Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
