ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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