Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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