i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
