I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Send us your Text From Last Night!
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
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