She's JV to your varsity
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
