Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
