and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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