my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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