News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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