Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
