12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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