I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
