if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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