Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
