I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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