yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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