Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
