I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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