my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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